Hello everyone! It's another day in my blog. Today is Thursday, which means it is one day closer to the weekend (my favorite part of the week!). Last night I realized something I never had before... I used to get so angry that my brother, R1, was dating my friend, A2. I used to think that he cared more about her than he did me, which is, unfortunately, the truth. But how can I be jealous because my brother is happy? I mean, just because she is my friend and he is my brother doesn't mean they can't have a chance at happiness, right?
One thing that has been bugging me for several years is this: why do the guys that I like always have to like my friends? It's ridiculous! What do my friends have that I'm lacking? People say I should be mad at my friends, but my friends can't help it if the guys that I like like my friends instead, right? I could sit here and be mad that my hair is red or that my eyes are brown, but that doesn't mean they will change colors. Just the same as I can't be mad at my friend that he likes her.
Having friends when you're 16 is complicated. A lot of the time, you never know who your true friends are until they're gone. The sad thing about having friends at this age is that they're not very forgiving and if you make one mistake -- intentional or unintentional -- they're gone from your life forever. I tend to make myself very attached to friends, and when they're gone, I don't let go easily. My friend told me the other day, "If I cared for someone once, I will always care for them." I thought that was brilliant, because it matched my feelings exactly. You think that if someone in your life hurt you, you have to hold a grudge against them, but that's not always the case. I had a fallout earlier this year with a dear friend and I was thrown out of her life forever. I convinced myself that I needed to HATE her, yet I still found myself stalking her Myspace page and wishing I was still in her life. It's not a bad thing to still care about someone, even if they hurt you. And that was what I convinced myself was wrong. But now that I openly still care about her and wish we were friends doesn't make me any lesser of a person than if I didn't think about her every day and hated her guts. It's okay to feel the way I feel, and a huge load was lifted off my back when my friend told me that.
In life, there are no guarantees, no promises. Nothing is promised before it happens. You're not promised you'll come out of everything unscathed. Everything that happens to us in our lives helps us become who we are. We often wish we could go back and change things, or that some things had never happened at all. I have lived for years with heavy regrets holding me down, keeping me from living my life. But the things in our past are there for a reason, and they turn out to be what makes us who we are. If some of the things in my past hadn't happened, who's to say I wouldn't be a worse person today? Life has no promises. You never know how long you're going to live. So enjoy today and never let the things in your past drag into your future, because they're there for a reason.
For now,
B.
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